There are always so many shaadis, marraiges, happening that I thought that everyone knew how to go about doing it. The marraige process, especially the whole pre-proposal, post-proposal phase (where I am not there yet), is certainly something I was proved wrong about.
I thought the pre-prosal process went something like this. If it is an arranged marraige, the grooms-to-be's family goes over to the bride-to-be's house for a consideration. What goes into consideration is a separate matter, which we might discuss later. Then the girl's family goes over to the guy's house. The two families think about each others pros and cons, try to find about the guy and the girl, and then finally meet to agree to the decision either to or not get married. Sometimes, a call is enough. In case of a love marraige, the same is true, but with the intentions of the guy and the girl known, making it easier for the families, I think.
However, the above assumed process is certainly not true in my case, for whatever reason, Lord has choseth me for this arduous process.
First, I broke the news to a room full of my mother, sister, cousin-sister and phopho. Everyone was delighted to the extent that my mom shed a few tears of joy. It was a moment of change. And, thus starts the hard process.
The second step, I thought I should introduce my sisters to N. I thought it would be a good process to ease into things. Plus, I do not have many siblings and cousins that I am close to. My sister, brother, cousin sister and her brother are probably the only people I consider close to me. I have plenty of other cousins, but the ones matter every day are just thoes. So meeting my sisters would be comfortable for N and my sisters can have the priviledge to meet my soon-wife-to-be. Plus, by doing so, I would be introducing N to one third of my family that we will regularly remain in touch. So, I picked a date and asked both the parties to go out to Karachi Boat Club for dinner. I got my sisters from our home and then went to get N. And my Lord, was N looking gorgeous that day! I mean night. She brightened the even though with her beauty, I can say that. I resisted giving a kiss to N, since my sisters were around. However, I do plan on doing a lot of that infront of anyone, as soon as her parents get to agree to our idea. I love kissing her.
However, going back to the point, we met. Had pointless talk, had magnum on the way back and went to drop N off at home. However, N came up with a brilliant idea to show that she couldn't get in because her sister could not get the door for her. So, I said we should instead drop my sisters at home and I can go back to drop N, since it would supposedly have taken enough time for N's sister to get the door. Needless to say, I was craving N's kisses and I was glad to have a few more moments with her, all to myself. I fell in love with N, yet again on that night. She was the most charming woman, I had come across and she was going to be my wife! Moving on.
I was told my mom was so antsy to know how N was from my sisters that she was waiting at the door for them to come. Imagine.
I requested N's mom to come meet me, over a lunch. She agreed. I called N's mom up, and N can attest, my heart was doing record time of beating. You could literally hear my heart pound by a good few steps away. I was nervous. I had never done that. But I was looking forward to it. Surprisingly, the more I feel anxious about something, the more I fear something, the more I want to do it. I more I enjoy its thrill.
We were supposed to meet Wednesday but that could not go through because of N's mom's engagements for the day. So we rescheduled for the coming Sunday at cafe Aylanto.
The day I wear my best shalwar kameez and bought a big ass bouquet of red roses, even though I was specifically told by N to not get red roses, but I honestly forgot. I got to Aylanto at exactly 1:30, the time decided for us to meet, while N's mom, I call her Aunty, was still on her way. I got there, talked to the cashier, put up a sum of ten thousand and my credit card, so the waiter does not come up to me to ask for the bill. In Pakistan, I find it quiet weird that people end up having a good workout through a struggle on paying the bill. The splitting of the bill has not reached the ears of the mature generation, while the younger ones are completely fine with it. The tugging between different stake holders at the lunch or dinner engage in the much obliged bill payment process, that just annoys me and I cannot comprehend the reason behind. Plus, each party feels the right to engage in the tugging war. The winner gets to pay, while the loser feels ashamed to let the chance to jerk the bill out of the others hand go. Ridiculous. Children might act better. So, the point is I did not want to go through that annoying process, especially on such an important time. I call N up to discuss the last minute talking points, she starts getting anxious so I ask her to take three deep breaths and told her that everything will be okay.
I get a call that Aunty is outside, and I go out to greet her. I see her in a beautiful white dress, she gives me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. I had asked aunty if she wanted to bring her sister, since I had already booked an extra seat, in case. However, the sister aunt had to get to her home, due to her children. I got to Hi her and tell her that I hoped to see her soon.
I and Aunty came inside to sit and learn about each other and of course N. I was glad, and grateful, that Aunty can take the time out to see me. I introduced myself, shared my cards and told her about who I was? What I wanted to do? What was currently going on in my life and what are my ambitions and goals in life? Plus, a plenty more. I was told, which N had already warned me about that her mother will point out about her huge dramatic tantrums. And, Aunty told me exatly that. My response was that that just makes her more human, and I can take care of her. Plus, I never expected anything from N, at least, I did not expect her to be an angel. I wouldnt be too keen on angels either. So, tantrums, I thought, fine. I can handle it all. After all I have handled worse. Or so I thought. Plus, I was told that N wanted to be an actress and she was not allowed. So, first, the bulb went on in my mind. That this girl has expressed herself through art and writings, and wanted to express herself more through acting, and none of that was encouraged. So I think I had figured out a part of the tantrum part. She was not allowed to express herself! Anyone will be cranky in that situation. My quick response was I will not only allow but help her become an actress, if she wants to do that because I want N to express herself through her passions. Aunty reminded me our society was not open to "good girls" acting since the profession is looked down upon. I agreed, but I am determined to help N express her inner self.
Anyways, we talked for a good three hours. The waiter still came and asked me for the bill, despite my instructions otherwise. I told him to go check, and then I was asked for a reciept that I was never given for the money I had given at the counter. Aunty offered to pay and I said that I had things taken care of. Aunty insisted, but I had already processes in place to avoid tugowar. I dropped Aunty off, and went back home basking in the glory of the event.
I was confident about how things had started. Aunty was receptive and very kind. So the next step had to happen. N had told me that Aunty would invite my mother over to her place. However, I volunteered saying that my mother will instead call Aunty up and invite her over to my place first. So I requested my mom to call Aunty. My mother is the shy type. She has never even been to my or any of my siblings school for the parent teacher meeting, so asking her to call N's mother and invite her to our place was a goliath task. At first, my mother tried to avoid the responsibility by putting it on phopho that she can call and invite N's mom, Aunty over. However, I and my sister persisted. And, she finally called Aunty.
My mom called Aunty and she burst into a nervous laughter, with tears of joy in her eyes. My mother can bearly speak. My sister decided to hangup the call for my mom to recuperate. We asked her to chill, gave her a moral boost and asked her to talk in the drawing room alone. Well, I do not know what happened after, but I know that she successfully managed to invite Aunty over.
Aunty came over to my house, a few days after, with her cousin, who used to live in our old neighborhood. We were glad that both of them could make the effort to come to our house and get to know us. My mother, phopho, my sister and my cousin-sister were there to entertain Aunty. I also made myself available for the event. Aunty's youngest sister was also expected to come, but she again was not available. I was present at the event, but kept going in and out, and for a longer stretch once when I talked with N, to give her an update on how things were going. However, the event went smoothly, and I was glad that my family can meet Aunty, and we can provide her warm hospitality. There were strict instructions from N that we should not share with her mom that she met with my sisters, and that there should be no mention of N coming to my counsin-sisters wedding, since I had requested N to come to the weddings, as any hinting to it will raise doubts with Aunty. So my poor cousin sister sat there tongue tied, with henna on her hand for her wedding, yet choosing to ignore the entire event for my sake. Also my phopho, the mom of a bride to be, was asked to not share her daughters wedding. Anyhow, the visit from N's mother was a pleasant one, and Aunty thanked us by texting me and appreciating our warm welcome. I thanked aunty back, for her taking the time out to know us.
I got to know from my mom that she thought she might get a thank you from Aunty directly, as she invited her. However, I shared with my mom that Aunty thanked me and my family with a text, the same night. It was expected that if a person does not respond to an act of hospitality then the person is not interested. At least the assumption went. And, some how direct response was important. I cleared my mom, that not everybody had the same expected responses, and that our effort was appreciated. I should have shared with my mom earlier about the text from Aunty thanking us all. I guess that would not have raised any doubts about N's family interest in us. However, if we as the grooms family get to go the extra mile to have their precious daughter become part of our wonderful family, I see nothing wrong with that. One important lesson I realized was that during the process, small things can create misunderstanding but they can be dealt with an effective clean communication.
I shared the entire thing with N, and N said Aunty was busy with her things. And, of course, Aunty is an important woman. She has things going on in her life. So, it was no wonder she might forget a thing or two. I guess the gap was that the center of attention and top priority formy mom is my marraige so she could not comprehend how the issue not be that important for Aunty. However, whatever reasons be, Aunty called my mother and invited her over to N's place. I was ecstatic. I and my family were looking towards N's mom's call for the invite for the longest, since we all have been antsy for hastening the process. Well, especially me, since I am so in love with N, that I cannot imagine my life otherwise, so naturally I will be antsy.
My mom, phopho, my mom's youngest sister T Aunty, sister and counsin-sister went to N's home. I was proud of N for all the amazing effort she put in the event, and she proved herself, even though there was no need for that, as the perfect girl for me. (more on it in a different post)
Well, so far, things have gone exactly, like above. My parents are supposedly meeting N's parents and going over with an official proposal. I had assumed that calling N's mom over at my place was the start of the proposal process, however, I was reminded of the hard truth that my father and mother have to go over to N and "officially" put forward my proposal. I am still not sure if I should go or not. I am anxious and nerve-wrecked hoping everything goes straight.
I pray to almight oneness that may things end with I and N's wedding. ANd, may Allah make it the best decision of our lives for all stakeholders.
P.S. I really really hope pray and wish that everything goes smoothly to the day I make N, my wife through an Islamic Nikah, and through all socially accepted customs of making vow to each other that we will live together for the rest of our lives, for each other.
I will keep this post updated as things proceed.
I thought the pre-prosal process went something like this. If it is an arranged marraige, the grooms-to-be's family goes over to the bride-to-be's house for a consideration. What goes into consideration is a separate matter, which we might discuss later. Then the girl's family goes over to the guy's house. The two families think about each others pros and cons, try to find about the guy and the girl, and then finally meet to agree to the decision either to or not get married. Sometimes, a call is enough. In case of a love marraige, the same is true, but with the intentions of the guy and the girl known, making it easier for the families, I think.
However, the above assumed process is certainly not true in my case, for whatever reason, Lord has choseth me for this arduous process.
First, I broke the news to a room full of my mother, sister, cousin-sister and phopho. Everyone was delighted to the extent that my mom shed a few tears of joy. It was a moment of change. And, thus starts the hard process.
The second step, I thought I should introduce my sisters to N. I thought it would be a good process to ease into things. Plus, I do not have many siblings and cousins that I am close to. My sister, brother, cousin sister and her brother are probably the only people I consider close to me. I have plenty of other cousins, but the ones matter every day are just thoes. So meeting my sisters would be comfortable for N and my sisters can have the priviledge to meet my soon-wife-to-be. Plus, by doing so, I would be introducing N to one third of my family that we will regularly remain in touch. So, I picked a date and asked both the parties to go out to Karachi Boat Club for dinner. I got my sisters from our home and then went to get N. And my Lord, was N looking gorgeous that day! I mean night. She brightened the even though with her beauty, I can say that. I resisted giving a kiss to N, since my sisters were around. However, I do plan on doing a lot of that infront of anyone, as soon as her parents get to agree to our idea. I love kissing her.
However, going back to the point, we met. Had pointless talk, had magnum on the way back and went to drop N off at home. However, N came up with a brilliant idea to show that she couldn't get in because her sister could not get the door for her. So, I said we should instead drop my sisters at home and I can go back to drop N, since it would supposedly have taken enough time for N's sister to get the door. Needless to say, I was craving N's kisses and I was glad to have a few more moments with her, all to myself. I fell in love with N, yet again on that night. She was the most charming woman, I had come across and she was going to be my wife! Moving on.
I was told my mom was so antsy to know how N was from my sisters that she was waiting at the door for them to come. Imagine.
I requested N's mom to come meet me, over a lunch. She agreed. I called N's mom up, and N can attest, my heart was doing record time of beating. You could literally hear my heart pound by a good few steps away. I was nervous. I had never done that. But I was looking forward to it. Surprisingly, the more I feel anxious about something, the more I fear something, the more I want to do it. I more I enjoy its thrill.
We were supposed to meet Wednesday but that could not go through because of N's mom's engagements for the day. So we rescheduled for the coming Sunday at cafe Aylanto.
The day I wear my best shalwar kameez and bought a big ass bouquet of red roses, even though I was specifically told by N to not get red roses, but I honestly forgot. I got to Aylanto at exactly 1:30, the time decided for us to meet, while N's mom, I call her Aunty, was still on her way. I got there, talked to the cashier, put up a sum of ten thousand and my credit card, so the waiter does not come up to me to ask for the bill. In Pakistan, I find it quiet weird that people end up having a good workout through a struggle on paying the bill. The splitting of the bill has not reached the ears of the mature generation, while the younger ones are completely fine with it. The tugging between different stake holders at the lunch or dinner engage in the much obliged bill payment process, that just annoys me and I cannot comprehend the reason behind. Plus, each party feels the right to engage in the tugging war. The winner gets to pay, while the loser feels ashamed to let the chance to jerk the bill out of the others hand go. Ridiculous. Children might act better. So, the point is I did not want to go through that annoying process, especially on such an important time. I call N up to discuss the last minute talking points, she starts getting anxious so I ask her to take three deep breaths and told her that everything will be okay.
I get a call that Aunty is outside, and I go out to greet her. I see her in a beautiful white dress, she gives me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. I had asked aunty if she wanted to bring her sister, since I had already booked an extra seat, in case. However, the sister aunt had to get to her home, due to her children. I got to Hi her and tell her that I hoped to see her soon.
I and Aunty came inside to sit and learn about each other and of course N. I was glad, and grateful, that Aunty can take the time out to see me. I introduced myself, shared my cards and told her about who I was? What I wanted to do? What was currently going on in my life and what are my ambitions and goals in life? Plus, a plenty more. I was told, which N had already warned me about that her mother will point out about her huge dramatic tantrums. And, Aunty told me exatly that. My response was that that just makes her more human, and I can take care of her. Plus, I never expected anything from N, at least, I did not expect her to be an angel. I wouldnt be too keen on angels either. So, tantrums, I thought, fine. I can handle it all. After all I have handled worse. Or so I thought. Plus, I was told that N wanted to be an actress and she was not allowed. So, first, the bulb went on in my mind. That this girl has expressed herself through art and writings, and wanted to express herself more through acting, and none of that was encouraged. So I think I had figured out a part of the tantrum part. She was not allowed to express herself! Anyone will be cranky in that situation. My quick response was I will not only allow but help her become an actress, if she wants to do that because I want N to express herself through her passions. Aunty reminded me our society was not open to "good girls" acting since the profession is looked down upon. I agreed, but I am determined to help N express her inner self.
Anyways, we talked for a good three hours. The waiter still came and asked me for the bill, despite my instructions otherwise. I told him to go check, and then I was asked for a reciept that I was never given for the money I had given at the counter. Aunty offered to pay and I said that I had things taken care of. Aunty insisted, but I had already processes in place to avoid tugowar. I dropped Aunty off, and went back home basking in the glory of the event.
I was confident about how things had started. Aunty was receptive and very kind. So the next step had to happen. N had told me that Aunty would invite my mother over to her place. However, I volunteered saying that my mother will instead call Aunty up and invite her over to my place first. So I requested my mom to call Aunty. My mother is the shy type. She has never even been to my or any of my siblings school for the parent teacher meeting, so asking her to call N's mother and invite her to our place was a goliath task. At first, my mother tried to avoid the responsibility by putting it on phopho that she can call and invite N's mom, Aunty over. However, I and my sister persisted. And, she finally called Aunty.
My mom called Aunty and she burst into a nervous laughter, with tears of joy in her eyes. My mother can bearly speak. My sister decided to hangup the call for my mom to recuperate. We asked her to chill, gave her a moral boost and asked her to talk in the drawing room alone. Well, I do not know what happened after, but I know that she successfully managed to invite Aunty over.
Aunty came over to my house, a few days after, with her cousin, who used to live in our old neighborhood. We were glad that both of them could make the effort to come to our house and get to know us. My mother, phopho, my sister and my cousin-sister were there to entertain Aunty. I also made myself available for the event. Aunty's youngest sister was also expected to come, but she again was not available. I was present at the event, but kept going in and out, and for a longer stretch once when I talked with N, to give her an update on how things were going. However, the event went smoothly, and I was glad that my family can meet Aunty, and we can provide her warm hospitality. There were strict instructions from N that we should not share with her mom that she met with my sisters, and that there should be no mention of N coming to my counsin-sisters wedding, since I had requested N to come to the weddings, as any hinting to it will raise doubts with Aunty. So my poor cousin sister sat there tongue tied, with henna on her hand for her wedding, yet choosing to ignore the entire event for my sake. Also my phopho, the mom of a bride to be, was asked to not share her daughters wedding. Anyhow, the visit from N's mother was a pleasant one, and Aunty thanked us by texting me and appreciating our warm welcome. I thanked aunty back, for her taking the time out to know us.
I got to know from my mom that she thought she might get a thank you from Aunty directly, as she invited her. However, I shared with my mom that Aunty thanked me and my family with a text, the same night. It was expected that if a person does not respond to an act of hospitality then the person is not interested. At least the assumption went. And, some how direct response was important. I cleared my mom, that not everybody had the same expected responses, and that our effort was appreciated. I should have shared with my mom earlier about the text from Aunty thanking us all. I guess that would not have raised any doubts about N's family interest in us. However, if we as the grooms family get to go the extra mile to have their precious daughter become part of our wonderful family, I see nothing wrong with that. One important lesson I realized was that during the process, small things can create misunderstanding but they can be dealt with an effective clean communication.
I shared the entire thing with N, and N said Aunty was busy with her things. And, of course, Aunty is an important woman. She has things going on in her life. So, it was no wonder she might forget a thing or two. I guess the gap was that the center of attention and top priority formy mom is my marraige so she could not comprehend how the issue not be that important for Aunty. However, whatever reasons be, Aunty called my mother and invited her over to N's place. I was ecstatic. I and my family were looking towards N's mom's call for the invite for the longest, since we all have been antsy for hastening the process. Well, especially me, since I am so in love with N, that I cannot imagine my life otherwise, so naturally I will be antsy.
My mom, phopho, my mom's youngest sister T Aunty, sister and counsin-sister went to N's home. I was proud of N for all the amazing effort she put in the event, and she proved herself, even though there was no need for that, as the perfect girl for me. (more on it in a different post)
Well, so far, things have gone exactly, like above. My parents are supposedly meeting N's parents and going over with an official proposal. I had assumed that calling N's mom over at my place was the start of the proposal process, however, I was reminded of the hard truth that my father and mother have to go over to N and "officially" put forward my proposal. I am still not sure if I should go or not. I am anxious and nerve-wrecked hoping everything goes straight.
I pray to almight oneness that may things end with I and N's wedding. ANd, may Allah make it the best decision of our lives for all stakeholders.
P.S. I really really hope pray and wish that everything goes smoothly to the day I make N, my wife through an Islamic Nikah, and through all socially accepted customs of making vow to each other that we will live together for the rest of our lives, for each other.
I will keep this post updated as things proceed.
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