I have always believed, and maintained that youth is careless and in fact, should be careless. However, careless does not mean that mistakes are repeated continuously or done intentionally.
The love of my life N is a person, I am trying to understand. I am not usually good at understanding people, nor do I want to understand people. However, I have still been putting in effort to know N better because I have made a commitment to her that I will put in the effort to make our relationship work.
I would like to recount a recent, a week old, anecdote. I call N, my wifey, even though we are not married yet, because I want her to be my wife, nothing more, nothing less. I do not need or for that matter want, a girl friend or just a friend. I see N as my wife, and that is the end of that. I have been calling her wifey for a good few weeks, and sometimes I feel like calling her my wife is the best thing to happen to me, while, other times, I wonder if I am the only one giving it this meaning.
I digress. I was recounting my incident. I was talking with N, and she said if I really loved her, I had to play a game with her. Well, obviously, I am in love with her and I will be down with whatever she throws at me. So, I said why not? N said that she will not be loyal or faithful to me, but I will have to remain loyal and faithful to her. First thing that occurred to me at that point was how amazing is the girl I am in love with? I mean, she has the balls, well whatever female balls she has, to come out say something like that. I believed that such an expression to a female, was not in my mind at least. Anyways, I thought about my answer, and went through different scenarios in my mind, and realized that I want N to be with me in heart and soul. So I told N, I wanted to have her in all honesty. If I can get her to myself, when nobody is around and she can find me as the only shoulder, I will do that. Plus, just going through the situation made me aware that there is a possibility of being unfaithful in a marriage, and I started fantasizing of the fishes that I thought were not accessible. However, I had one mental picture of it all, and I conveyed the same. If N wanted to go around whoring to different guys, hypothetically, I will not stop her, if that is the only option to have her, but that she would have to respect my privacy and never tell me about it. It was an incredibly hard thing to say, and an even more hard thing to do. But, I had no choice. I wanted to have N as my wifey. Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life to undertake this game. Also, I had no choice. Either I played the game or she said she would not be with me.
I just could not bear the thought of parting with N. And, I realize how stupid my answer sounds but let me tell you guys a secret, my Jaan, the love of my life, N deserves all the love there is in the world. I want to give her all the love I have and more. So, it is no surprise that I would want to love her, and have her, even with sacrifices.
So, I agreed, saying that as long as I did not learn about her escapades, I would be fine with her, since I would still be able to have her in the moments when nobody would be around her, and she would need someone. It was a surprise coming from me, but I understood the apprehension that N had of I leaving her.
After all said and done, N told me that she will be faithful to me. I will be honest, even though I have a mother, sister, greatly interacted with my grandmothers, and have friends who are girls, but I have not explored the female sex intimately, before N. I never expected someone grilling me and testing me the way she did. However, Thank God I lived through that, stronger. I never knew in a relationship, being loyal to one another was an actual whole different level, but thinking about it, relationships do not always come with loyalty, although the assumption is there. So, I was glad I could go through that experience.
N is a very testing person. She tests me intensely, but hey I know my feelings are honest. So, I know I will survive any test stronger.
The love of my life N is a person, I am trying to understand. I am not usually good at understanding people, nor do I want to understand people. However, I have still been putting in effort to know N better because I have made a commitment to her that I will put in the effort to make our relationship work.
I would like to recount a recent, a week old, anecdote. I call N, my wifey, even though we are not married yet, because I want her to be my wife, nothing more, nothing less. I do not need or for that matter want, a girl friend or just a friend. I see N as my wife, and that is the end of that. I have been calling her wifey for a good few weeks, and sometimes I feel like calling her my wife is the best thing to happen to me, while, other times, I wonder if I am the only one giving it this meaning.
I digress. I was recounting my incident. I was talking with N, and she said if I really loved her, I had to play a game with her. Well, obviously, I am in love with her and I will be down with whatever she throws at me. So, I said why not? N said that she will not be loyal or faithful to me, but I will have to remain loyal and faithful to her. First thing that occurred to me at that point was how amazing is the girl I am in love with? I mean, she has the balls, well whatever female balls she has, to come out say something like that. I believed that such an expression to a female, was not in my mind at least. Anyways, I thought about my answer, and went through different scenarios in my mind, and realized that I want N to be with me in heart and soul. So I told N, I wanted to have her in all honesty. If I can get her to myself, when nobody is around and she can find me as the only shoulder, I will do that. Plus, just going through the situation made me aware that there is a possibility of being unfaithful in a marriage, and I started fantasizing of the fishes that I thought were not accessible. However, I had one mental picture of it all, and I conveyed the same. If N wanted to go around whoring to different guys, hypothetically, I will not stop her, if that is the only option to have her, but that she would have to respect my privacy and never tell me about it. It was an incredibly hard thing to say, and an even more hard thing to do. But, I had no choice. I wanted to have N as my wifey. Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life to undertake this game. Also, I had no choice. Either I played the game or she said she would not be with me.
I just could not bear the thought of parting with N. And, I realize how stupid my answer sounds but let me tell you guys a secret, my Jaan, the love of my life, N deserves all the love there is in the world. I want to give her all the love I have and more. So, it is no surprise that I would want to love her, and have her, even with sacrifices.
So, I agreed, saying that as long as I did not learn about her escapades, I would be fine with her, since I would still be able to have her in the moments when nobody would be around her, and she would need someone. It was a surprise coming from me, but I understood the apprehension that N had of I leaving her.
After all said and done, N told me that she will be faithful to me. I will be honest, even though I have a mother, sister, greatly interacted with my grandmothers, and have friends who are girls, but I have not explored the female sex intimately, before N. I never expected someone grilling me and testing me the way she did. However, Thank God I lived through that, stronger. I never knew in a relationship, being loyal to one another was an actual whole different level, but thinking about it, relationships do not always come with loyalty, although the assumption is there. So, I was glad I could go through that experience.
N is a very testing person. She tests me intensely, but hey I know my feelings are honest. So, I know I will survive any test stronger.
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