Process of writing You are Beautiful

I was asked to describe how beautiful J was and I could come up with a measly couple of you are more beautiful than something, and I compared to Picasso, in one of the comparisons. It did not settle well, with J to say the least.

I know and believe J is beautiful, I just could not find the right words to express how beautiful I think J is. I put my mind to it, and came up with a few older comparisons but I wanted to express her beauty and praise her, in a manner which could strike a cord.

So, I searched for words which could put the transcending beauty into a few words. So, I googled "beautiful things" in google to help me find the beauty in nature. However, I quickly figured my sense of beauty is all encompassing, and google was not the medium, I should be searching for beauty, for sure.

However, I managed to find a list of beautiful words. A thought occurred to me, that words have to be beautiful first to express beauty. So, I chose, sonder, syzygy, aquiver and mellifluous. I was aware of the later two, but I could not have come up with these words without googles help.

So, the words were a good starting point. From there on, I brought a mental picture of J in my mind, and tried to put words to how really thought about her. I hope the outcome was decent. Well, you guys can read it for yourself.

I hope to share her beautiful self better in words, in time to follow.

I hope everyone has a beautiful day!

Love yourself. Love others. Unconditionally.

Montaigne in the now

I am thankful for writing a post, after a long time, where I do not have a subject matter for, rather just awry, haywire thoughts, all jumbled up in a beautiful piece of art. I would like to quote Montaigne first:

"The trick is to maintain a kind of naive amazement at each instant of experience—but, as Montaigne learned, one of the best techniques for doing this is to write about everything. Simply describing an object on your table, or the view from your window, opens your eyes to how marvelous such ordinary things are. To look inside yourself is to open up an even more fantastical realm."

Montaigne mentions the secret to living an amazing life, and I can testify the amazing results it holds, along with a Hellenistic maxim: "amor fati" that is the cheerful acceptance of whatever happens or love of ones fate. The two ideas collide, to result in an amazing life full of appreciation, love and mystery. I am living in an interesting period of my life. I have found an amazing girl, who has taken over my existence in the most amazing way. I am still going through the initial period, where everything is beautiful, just taking a breathe has an artistic beauty, rivaling those of any pieces from Michelangelo or Raphael. However, I am also conscious, that my existence, always in constant, influx and out-flux, will change, and change for the better. The conventional wisdom says, at least from the older people, which I see no example in the life around, is that love dies off, and the marriages turn sour, as a result. It sounds reasonable, I guess. However, I am compelled to do just that for this love, even for a moments sake, is a blessing. Who else would know the euphoria of love? And, I being a skeptic, can tell you, I am not the one to accept things at face value, or at least, hastily.

I want to express myself in a manner, analogous to a mad animal, because I would be free of any prejudices, biases and rational, except the true self. I am led to believe, that my love has to stem from something very primordial, constant and ever-existing--whatever it might be. I have to tap into my carnal self to understand the realities that present to me, instead of me sketching new realities.

The primordial self is not something that anyone should fear or even question. It is beautiful and perfect in its understanding and expression, considering it finds itself in an expression through the body. Instinct has to be connected with the primordial me, for instinct seems to fit into places.

I am not concerned with the past, nor concerned with the future. I am concerned with the now of things, right here. Just a word rolled over from her beautiful lips, a moment worth of loving gaze, her touch, her laugh, her attention, her presence, her subjects of discussion, her exciting hair, and I could go on in the most mundane and monotonous activities, are a source of joy.

For what is love, has been a question since the invent of humanity, starting from Adam. Not to imply, love was absent before humanity. Just that, humanity was able to see its own reflection, and recognize the different states of being. And, I am certainly not the one to start the debate here, for I wish love can be expressed in anyway other than metaphors, for feelings are states of being, without clear words for expression. So the next best thing is to resonate the feeling with feelings created through metaphors, although a very poor method of understanding feelings, but the only one we might have. However, I will say one thing. Love is amazing. Love is not infatuation, crush, lust, craving, but is more intense that anyone else. Love is selfish and altruistic in its every sense. There is a dominant example in Sufi traditions, where a lover is analogous to a moth. A love loves like a moth loves the light. The light may be, and usually is detrimental to moth's existence, but moth flies towards it without doubting even for a second, and loses all sense of being to achieve and become one with the light. What light does to the moth, that makes moth forget death or any other conscious except the urge to fly towards the light, without anyone ever explaining to the moth what light is or the possibility that light can kill the moth and even the notion of madness, somehow obliterating moths own existence for the light, even though light can provide nothing material to the moth, is exactly what love is. Love should incite a flame so true, so absolute, so inevitable that its hard to face away from it. If by any chance, anyone finds a reason for love, let that love be damned. For love is eternal mystery, eternal lack of equilibrium, madness if you might. However, everything else looks damp in comparison.

I am thankful to my special one. I request Oneness to provide me even half of the pain--read extacy--of the love I have found, and I will become a follower, that prophets, and hell, even  Messiah will cringe. I was born to love. We are all born to love. We all should love. We all should at least try. If not, at least keep the option open. However, I would say, love cannot be brought up, or forced into, or any form of attachment. Love hits from a dimension unknown. And, what an amazing collision it is.

Careless Heart

I have always believed, and maintained that youth is careless and in fact, should be careless. However, careless does not mean that mistakes are repeated continuously or done intentionally.

The love of my life N is a person, I am trying to understand. I am not usually good at understanding people, nor do I want to understand people. However, I have still been putting in effort to know N better because I have made a commitment to her that I will put in the effort to make our relationship work.

I would like to recount a recent, a week old, anecdote. I call N, my wifey, even though we are not married yet, because I want her to be my wife, nothing more, nothing less. I do not need or for that matter want, a girl friend or just a friend. I see N as my wife, and that is the end of that. I have been calling her wifey for a good few weeks, and sometimes I feel like calling her my wife is the best thing to happen to me, while, other times, I wonder if I am the only one giving it this meaning.

I digress. I was recounting my incident. I was talking with N, and she said if I really loved her, I had to play a game with her. Well, obviously, I am in love with her and I will be down with whatever she throws at me. So, I said why not? N said that she will not be loyal or faithful to me, but I will have to remain loyal and faithful to her. First thing that occurred to me at that point was how amazing is the girl I am in love with? I mean, she has the balls, well whatever female balls she has, to come out say something like that. I believed that such an expression to a female, was not in my mind at least. Anyways, I thought about my answer, and went through different scenarios in my mind, and realized that I want N to be with me in heart and soul. So I told N, I wanted to have her in all honesty. If I can get her to myself, when nobody is around and she can find me as the only shoulder, I will do that. Plus, just going through the situation made me aware that there is a possibility of being unfaithful in a marriage, and I started fantasizing of the fishes that I thought were not accessible. However, I had one mental picture of it all, and I conveyed the same. If N wanted to go around whoring to different guys, hypothetically, I will not stop her, if that is the only option to have her, but that she would have to respect my privacy and never tell me about it. It was an incredibly hard thing to say, and an even more hard thing to do. But, I had no choice. I wanted to have N as my wifey. Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life to undertake this game. Also, I had no choice. Either I played the game or she said she would not be with me.

I just could not bear the thought of parting with N. And, I realize how stupid my answer sounds but let me tell you guys a secret, my Jaan, the love of my life, N deserves all the love there is in the world. I want to give her all the love I have and more. So, it is no surprise that I would want to love her, and have her, even with sacrifices.

So, I agreed, saying that as long as I did not learn about her escapades, I would be fine with her, since I would still be able to have her in the moments when nobody would be around her, and she would need someone. It was a surprise coming from me, but I understood the apprehension that N had of I leaving her.

After all said and done, N told me that she will be faithful to me. I will be honest, even though I have a mother, sister, greatly interacted with my grandmothers, and have friends who are girls, but I have not explored the female sex intimately, before N. I never expected someone grilling me and testing me the way she did. However, Thank God I lived through that, stronger. I never knew in a relationship, being loyal to one another was an actual whole different level, but thinking about it, relationships do not always come with loyalty, although the assumption is there. So, I was glad I could go through that experience.

N is a very testing person. She tests me intensely, but hey I know my feelings are honest. So, I know I will survive any test stronger.

Why I love?

Why do I love N? I wish there was an easy answer. I love her for all the reasons, yet I cannot point out specifically the reason for her love. I know I fall in love with her, everytime I see her, and I know that I can listen to her for days at end. I know I am understanding her, yet a sense of mystery never leaves her. I know I find her incredibly beautiful. It is true that she is the most beautiful girl I have seen in my life. I cannot find anyone or anything more beautiful than her, even if I tried.

I want to praise her. And, I want to praise her because she is worthy of praise. I call her goddess, so everyone can imagine the depth of my appreciation for her. I might stand blasphemous, but love remains my witness. I want her to realize that she more beautiful and praiseworthy than I tell her. I want her to realize that there is music in her every action. She is precious. Invaluable.

I wonder sometimes, if anyone can be that amazing.  I mean, girls are beautiful. Agreed. While, other girls are smart. Also agreed. But seldom are girls beautiful and smart. And, what makes it all even better that only one girl in the entire history, is beautiful, charming, seductive, smart, unconditionally loving, passionate, traveler, eager to experience, accepting, caring, friendly, honest, trustworthy, applebummed, nicely lipped, colored eyed, earnest to learn and ready to become a wife of a revolutionary. I mean where else but N?

However, even these reasons are not the reason I love N.

I love N because my soul yearns for her
I love N because the reason is one with me
I love N because of no reason at all

Love seems so pointless
Yet surrounds my existence at every point
I was wondering why love has baffled every mind
Perhaps they have failed to realize
the recognition of a separate souls yearning
and a hearts recognition of the same fire
that resides only in true lovers

I have many reasons on why I love N
But yet I cannot put a reason in words

I can use all the words in the language
and more
but my love will not even be explained in half
So how am I supposed to deal with this task
of explaining the unexplainable
the ever present feeling
yet the inability to make it tangible
perhaps the only evidence I can give you
is that my fire of love is this strong
that if you ever come wandering even by mistake

You just might get burned to Eeray.

Preposal Process in Pakistan or just with me, I guess

There are always so many shaadis, marraiges, happening that I thought that everyone knew how to go about doing it. The marraige process, especially the whole pre-proposal, post-proposal phase (where I am not there yet), is certainly something I was proved wrong about.

I thought the pre-prosal process went something like this. If it is an arranged marraige, the grooms-to-be's family goes over to the bride-to-be's house for a consideration. What goes into consideration is a separate matter, which we might discuss later. Then the girl's family goes over to the guy's house. The two families think about each others pros and cons, try to find about the guy and the girl, and then finally meet to agree to the decision either to or not get married. Sometimes, a call is enough. In case of a love marraige, the same is true, but with the intentions of the guy and the girl known, making it easier for the families, I think.

However, the above assumed process is certainly not true in my case, for whatever reason, Lord has choseth me for this arduous process.

First, I broke the news to a room full of my mother, sister, cousin-sister and phopho. Everyone was delighted to the extent that my mom shed a few tears of joy. It was a moment of change. And, thus starts the hard process.

The second step, I thought I should introduce my sisters to N. I thought it would be a good process to ease into things. Plus, I do not have many siblings and cousins that I am close to. My sister, brother, cousin sister and her brother are probably the only people I consider close to me. I have plenty of other cousins, but the ones matter every day are just thoes. So meeting my sisters would be comfortable for N and my sisters can have the priviledge to meet my soon-wife-to-be. Plus, by doing so, I would be introducing N to one third of my family that we will regularly remain in touch. So, I picked a date and asked both the parties to go out to Karachi Boat Club for dinner. I got my sisters from our home and then went to get N. And my Lord, was N looking gorgeous that day! I mean night. She brightened the even though with her beauty, I can say that. I resisted giving a kiss to N, since my sisters were around. However, I do plan on doing a lot of that infront of anyone, as soon as her parents get to agree to our idea. I love kissing her.

However, going back to the point, we met. Had pointless talk, had magnum on the way back and went to drop N off at home. However, N came up with a brilliant idea to show that she couldn't get in because her sister could not get the door for her. So, I said we should instead drop my sisters at home and I can go back to drop N, since it would supposedly have taken enough time for N's sister to get the door. Needless to say, I was craving N's kisses and I was glad to have a few more moments with her, all to myself. I fell in love with N, yet again on that night. She was the most charming woman, I had come across and she was going to be my wife! Moving on.

I was told my mom was so antsy to know how N was from my sisters that she was waiting at the door for them to come. Imagine.

I requested N's mom to come meet me, over a lunch. She agreed. I called N's mom up, and N can attest, my heart was doing record time of beating. You could literally hear my heart pound by a good few steps away. I was nervous. I had never done that. But I was looking forward to it. Surprisingly, the more I feel anxious about something, the more I fear something, the more I want to do it. I more I enjoy its thrill.

We were supposed to meet Wednesday but that could not go through because of N's mom's engagements for the day. So we rescheduled for the coming Sunday at cafe Aylanto.

The day I wear my best shalwar kameez and bought a big ass bouquet of red roses, even though I was specifically told by N to not get red roses, but I honestly forgot. I got to Aylanto at exactly 1:30, the time decided for us to meet, while N's mom, I call her Aunty, was still on her way. I got there, talked to the cashier, put up a sum of ten thousand and my credit card, so the waiter does not come up to me to ask for the bill. In Pakistan, I find it quiet weird that people end up having a good workout through a struggle on paying the bill. The splitting of the bill has not reached the ears of the mature generation, while the younger ones are completely fine with it. The tugging between different stake holders at the lunch or dinner engage in the much obliged bill payment process, that just annoys me and I cannot comprehend the reason behind. Plus, each party feels the right to engage in the tugging war. The winner gets to pay, while the loser feels ashamed to let the chance to jerk the bill out of the others hand go. Ridiculous. Children might act better. So, the point is I did not want to go through that annoying process, especially on such an important time. I call N up to discuss the last minute talking points, she starts getting anxious so I ask her to take three deep breaths and told her that everything will be okay.

I get a call that Aunty is outside, and I go out to greet her. I see her in a beautiful white dress, she gives me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. I had asked aunty if she wanted to bring her sister, since I had already booked an extra seat, in case. However, the sister aunt had to get to her home, due to her children. I got to Hi her and tell her that I hoped to see her soon.

I and Aunty came inside to sit and learn about each other and of course N. I was glad, and grateful, that Aunty can take the time out to see me. I introduced myself, shared my cards and told her about who I was? What I wanted to do? What was currently going on in my life and what are my ambitions and goals in life? Plus, a plenty more. I was told, which N had already warned me about that her mother will point out about her huge dramatic tantrums. And, Aunty told me exatly that. My response was that that just makes her more human, and I can take care of her. Plus, I never expected anything from N, at least, I did not expect her to be an angel. I wouldnt be too keen on angels either. So, tantrums, I thought, fine. I can handle it all. After all I have handled worse. Or so I thought. Plus, I was told that N wanted to be an actress and she was not allowed. So, first, the bulb went on in my mind. That this girl has expressed herself through art and writings, and wanted to express herself more through acting, and none of that was encouraged. So I think I had figured out a part of the tantrum part. She was not allowed to express herself! Anyone will be cranky in that situation. My quick response was I will not only allow but help her become an actress, if she wants to do that because I want N to express herself through her passions. Aunty reminded me our society was not open to "good girls" acting since the profession is looked down upon. I agreed, but I am determined to help N express her inner self.

Anyways, we talked for a good three hours. The waiter still came and asked me for the bill, despite my instructions otherwise. I told him to go check, and then I was asked for a reciept that I was never given for the money I had given at the counter. Aunty offered to pay and I said that I had things taken care of. Aunty insisted, but I had already processes in place to avoid tugowar. I dropped Aunty off, and went back home basking in the glory of the event.

I was confident about how things had started. Aunty was receptive and very kind. So the next step had to happen. N had told me that Aunty would invite my mother over to her place. However, I volunteered saying that my mother will instead call Aunty up and invite her over to my place first. So I requested my mom to call Aunty. My mother is the shy type. She has never even been to my or any of my siblings school for the parent teacher meeting, so asking her to call N's mother and invite her to our place was a goliath task. At first, my mother tried to avoid the responsibility by putting it on phopho that she can call and invite N's mom, Aunty over. However, I and my sister persisted. And, she finally called Aunty.

My mom called Aunty and she burst into a nervous laughter, with tears of joy in her eyes. My mother can bearly speak. My sister decided to hangup the call for my mom to recuperate. We asked her to chill, gave her a moral boost and asked her to talk in the drawing room alone. Well, I do not know what happened after, but I know that she successfully managed to invite Aunty over.

Aunty came over to my house, a few days after, with her cousin, who used to live in our old neighborhood. We were glad that both of them could make the effort to come to our house and get to know us. My mother, phopho, my sister and my cousin-sister were there to entertain Aunty. I also made myself available for the event. Aunty's youngest sister was also expected to come, but she again was not available. I was present at the event, but kept going in and out, and for a longer stretch once when I talked with N, to give her an update on how things were going. However, the event went smoothly, and I was glad that my family can meet Aunty, and we can provide her warm hospitality. There were strict instructions from N that we should not share with her mom that she met with my sisters, and that there should be no mention of N coming to my counsin-sisters wedding, since I had requested N to come to the weddings, as any hinting to it will raise doubts with Aunty. So my poor cousin sister sat there tongue tied, with henna on her hand for her wedding, yet choosing to ignore the entire event for my sake. Also my phopho, the mom of a bride to be, was asked to not share her daughters wedding. Anyhow, the visit from N's mother was a pleasant one, and Aunty thanked us by texting me and appreciating our warm welcome. I thanked aunty back, for her taking the time out to know us.

I got to know from my mom that she thought she might get a thank you from Aunty directly, as she invited her. However, I shared with my mom that Aunty thanked me and my family with a text, the same night. It was expected that if a person does not respond to an act of hospitality then the person is not interested. At least the assumption went. And, some how direct response was important. I cleared my mom, that not everybody had the same expected responses, and that our effort was appreciated. I should have shared with my mom earlier about the text from Aunty thanking us all. I guess that would not have raised any doubts about N's family interest in us. However, if we as the grooms family get to go the extra mile to have their precious daughter become part of our wonderful family, I see nothing wrong with that. One important lesson I realized was that during the process, small things can create misunderstanding but they can be dealt with an effective clean communication.

I shared the entire thing with N, and N said Aunty was busy with her things. And, of course, Aunty is an important woman. She has things going on in her life. So, it was no wonder she might forget a thing or two. I guess the gap was that the center of attention and top priority formy mom is my marraige so she could not comprehend how the issue not be that important for Aunty. However, whatever reasons be, Aunty called my mother and invited her over to N's place. I was ecstatic. I and my family were looking towards N's mom's call for the invite for the longest, since we all have been antsy for hastening the process. Well, especially me, since I am so in love with N, that I cannot imagine my life otherwise, so naturally I will be antsy.

My mom, phopho, my mom's youngest sister T Aunty, sister and counsin-sister went to N's home. I was proud of N for all the amazing effort she put in the event, and she proved herself, even though there was no need for that, as the perfect girl for me. (more on it in a different post)

Well, so far, things have gone exactly, like above. My parents are supposedly meeting N's parents and going over with an official proposal. I had assumed that calling N's mom over at my place was the start of the proposal process, however, I was reminded of the hard truth that my father and mother have to go over to N and "officially" put forward my proposal. I am still not sure if I should go or not. I am anxious and nerve-wrecked hoping everything goes straight.

I pray to almight oneness that may things end with I and N's wedding. ANd, may Allah make it the best decision of our lives for all stakeholders.

P.S. I really really hope pray and wish that everything goes smoothly to the day I make N, my wife through an Islamic Nikah, and through all socially accepted customs of making vow to each other that we will live together for the rest of our lives, for each other.

I will keep this post updated as things proceed.

A short and romantic park hangout

One of my wise friends once said that a relationship is a way to explore onself through the other. And, it is certainly true with my relationship with N. Every moment comes with its own set of realizations. And, one of those is there is something better than sex, at least for me. Which is: holding and kissing my beloved, N. Am I for reals? I think that myself. However, a moment of embracing her to my chest, close to my heart, is better than all other physical indulgences. It is hard to trust my own words at this point, but I tell you the truth.

The first time I got to hold N was, at a park I took her. It is Pakistan so PDA is certainly not appreciated. However, I felt strongly about this chick and I just wanted to hold her. We walked to a comfortable place on a bricked wall, under a tree. While walking up, I heard a group of three guys, go past us and one of them said something ridiculous. I flipped and lost my shit. I walked up to those bastards and asked them who the fuck it was that could say that shit to my girl. The guys freaked out. I was enraged that those guys can say something horrible like that and not own upto it. I wanted to beat the guy down who said it, but no one owned up to it and N got me to move away from them.

Anyhow, we sat there, in the evening, I holding the love of my life in my arms, and it was bliss. I had never held any other girl in my life, and shown any affection. However, I just knew this girl was a keeper. I mustered up my courage and she felt comfortable in my arms, which made me feel quiet special. I was grateful that we can spend that time together. I was glad that we can have a conversation about each other, while close to each other, in the middle of the part, with everyone around. I saw a park security guard go past us three or four times. I bet he was annoyed by me holding N. However, I fail to believe how it was the guards problem if I held the love of my life.

A few interesting events

There are couple of significant events I would like to share here.

One is from going over to N's house and other making our relationship stronger in an unexpected manner, with two side stories of my family going over to N's house and one bonus one.

Well, I was invited over to N's house for the second day of Eid lunch. There were N's family friends expected, and I was going to meet her dad for the first time. And, on top of that, I had heard that N's dad was just a crazy grouch. Most importantly, I had never been to any girl's parents house, especially not for a girl I am in love with! So a lot was riding on this invite. I was looking forward to the event, because I knew that I will get to learn more about her.

I had planned on getting flowers to the house, since it was the first time I was going over. However, considering the king of lateness that I am, I thought it would be more appropriate to just get a cake, to save time. I was expected to reach the house at 1:30, but I think, I got there at 1:40. My heart was racing to say the least. I bought a cake from the bakery, Sachals. It was a red velvet cake. I got to the house, rang the bell, and Abbass, this guy who works at N's place, opened the door and invited me in. From there on I was on auto-mode. I had no idea how to behave or what mannerisms worked best for the moment. I entered the house, which was well built, sharing a sense of N's family's view on life. The Drawing room was large, with a patio at the back where food was served. I entered the drawing room, and I was welcomed respectfully, with big ass smiles from N's parents. I was grateful to Almighty that the first stage of having no awkward moment while seeing her dad was over. I handed the cake over to the mom, and found myself a sofa to sit on, in the corner. N's mom introduced me to everyone in the room, as "He is with N..". I felt a sense of pride being associated with the love of my life, especially by her mom, like that. Pretty fucking cool, I would say. Anyways, I sat myself down, and took my cards folder out and took two cards out. One for the dad and the other for his friend. I stood up to hand my cards to them. I say with all my honesty, that I was shivering. I am not sure, if it was anxiety or just sheer exstacy of being in that moment, but it was a good place to be. The dad asked me what it was, and I said, my card. I thought it was obvious, but I guess, I was wrong. The dad's friend, who was friendly and well spoken, pointed out he could not read properly and I should read it out to him. I told him my name and what I did, and that I was with my dad's business while running my own IT company. I just wanted everyone to be proud of me, because I was a choice that N has made, and I just wanted to make her proud, and if it can be through me, then perfect.

Another family friend's family showed up, with a son, who seemed around the same age, with whom I hit off an interesting coversation. N had pointed out that she would flirt with the guy in front of me, as she knows it makes me incredibly jealous. And, she did! She hugged the guy in front of me, and just said hi to me. Oh well. I loved her, I knew I will be the one wooing her away so it did not matter much. But I was a little jealous I would say that. The dinner was served at the back, in a patio. There were plenty of options to choose from. I stuffed my plate with a piece of roasted chicken leg, and meatballs, and went back to have a conversation with the guy.

I forgot to mention. N had come to the room to say salams to everyone in the room. And, I just fell in love with her again. She was looking just so pretty, it was incredible. And later, her dad asked me, if I had a butcher that he can use services from the next day for his sacrifices. He said he had two goats, he wanted slaughtered. I called up my guy and I arranged the butcher for him in five minutes, which I am pretty proud of myself.

Well, to continue the story, after the lunch, I sat down with the dad and his friends, at which point a couple more families had joined in, for a little longer and then everyone left. After guests have left, I sat down with N and her best friend, of ten years, G. G was "G", I should say. She felt strongly about politics, and I think politics is important to bring social change in Pakistan, and to add on top of that, I have been a political and human rights activist, so to say the least we had an interesting short conversation. G seemed liked a good friend and a confidant. While, G was facing towards me, and we were talking, N started sucking on her middle finger, which was pretty fucking insane. In an amazing manner. I mean, she could do that, I was reminded, why I had fell in love with her. I mean, who does that? May be other chicks do, but she is pretty cool like that. I saw her for a second, and I could not look back. I was embarassed for a second, and wanted to laugh, but G had no idea what was happening around her. Finally, the smile broke through my lips, a slight one. I tried to make it seem like it was somehow connected to the conversation with G. However, the smile kept on getting bigger, and bigger. And, finally I just had to let it out, when G looked at N, and N was caught off guard. Poor G felt like we were laughing at her. She felt conscious about it. Oh well.

N's aunt showed up, I talked with her for a few minutes and then left the house. I was convinced yet again, that I had chosen an amazing girl for myself. On top of that, she came from a respectable family. And, her dad was pretty cool and humourous. I was gladly proven wrong.

The next day, I drove the butchers to N's place, at seven in the morning. I barely do anything at seven.

The other event I want to share is a positive one. I want everyone to read it in that context. N told me she had cheated on me. Shocker right? Honestly, I was expecting something was up. When you love someone, their smallest changes seem like the largest tidal waves. I could sense it. So, I was sad, hurt, felt vulnerable (and I never make myself vulnerable, ever. period.), but I wanted to be with N, nevertheless. N told me crying that she cheated on me. I consoled her. I told her, it is okay, and we will get through it together. I wanted to process things, so we got off the call. I took some time. Smoked a couple of bogies, meditated and tried to clear out my mind, so I can make a sense of how to move forward. I told her, it is okay, and thanked her for sharing it with me. I was clam. I was hurting and my trust had shattered but I knew both of thoes things will go away, with time. So, I asked her, if she wanted to be with me, and she said she did. So I put a couple of things forward to her, so I can help build my own trust and confidence. I asked her to reject all other proposals and stand for me infront of her stakeholders, after my parents put forward a formal proposal. And, the second thing was that she had to do things as I asked her (cruel? I know, but cheating is not a small matter too.). I also expected truth and honesty from her. I wanted to know she can put in effort for me. If she can be loyal and faithful to me, just as I wanted to be for her. I did not want to coerce her into anything, for that would defeat the purpose of being in love with someone. However, I wanted to satisfy my urge, that she was willing to do a few things for me, not because I expect them from her but because she wants to. After all, isnt this how you show love? By caring unconditionally, at any risk? Perhaps, its my romanticized world, but I wanted to know, I was not alone in this relationship. And, I am glad to say, N has lived up to all my expectations and at times broken them easily.

However, I would like to add, that being in an honest relationship is hard. It is too good at times, (MashAllah), that I start doubting it. So, even though I had willingly wanted to move forward, the event left an after taste. I started looking beyond words. I started thinking if I was still being cheated on. Every small move from N seemed like a conspiracy against me. Well, it was not all that dramatic, but very subtle, but I hope everyone gets my point. It was not easy trusting N again, and I realize why it is so important to value trust, especially in newly formed relationships, since trust does not have a switch where you can turn trust and confidence on and switch it off, whenever we do not want it. So, I realized that such an event can have its toll. However, I kept it all to myself, because I know and feel, that N is the most loving person in the world. She will remain loyal, understanding and loving, if she was assured she would get the same back. The guys she had encountered in the past where plain assholes. So I knew, it will take considerable effort from my side to make her trust me and realize that I meant well for N, in all my honesty, for she is the love of my life. I ignored all my doubts, and never let them effect me, at least to the extent I was conscious of. And, I can tell you from my experience, it has worked. My doubts have subsided. I feel loved. I trust N. I love N. I am glad, I can be the one to show her, that she deserves all the love in the world, and if a cheating on me is what it takes to believe my professed love for her, then might as well be right. I believe, the whole left from the event has been filled rather nicely. I can tell everyone, if you can honestly mend ways and want to patch up like a loving couple, despite everything, you can achieve it. I can tell you from experience.

The event does not affect us in any manner. At least, not any more. There are always doubts, but mind does play dirty tricks, and one needs to know their own mind, which I do with mine. But, I have conveyed to N in my honesty that we should make this event an isolated one in our lives, and such seconds just show a trend, which is not healthy in any relationship. N is amazing. I feel blessed, I am with her. We have much way before we reach to a point where we can say we understand each other, but we are getting there. We will get there in enough time.

Nevertheless, the next anecdote is when my mother, phopho, aunt, sister and cousin went over to N's place. I was anxious and grateful, that my family can go over. I drove my family there but I did not go, and it did not seem appropriate for the time. However, the interesting part of the event is after. My mother and aunt came back, they told me something, which made me proud. That, N was a great girl, and that we would be perfect for each other. It made me proud that the decision that I took, my family can see the value in the same. My mom and aunt pointed out that N had put enormous effort for them, and she was giving her best for them. I never realized that in love, the beloveds effort towards one can be such a pleasure. I wish I can put those words more eloquently. Everyone in my family was all praises for N, and it made me feel good.

Lastly, the bonus event is, yesterday, I went to see N. I have done this once before, and I love it. I mean, we cannot always see each other freely, for whatever reasons. So when N gets the time to go to her roof, I request her if I can come see her. So I drive up to her house, part in front, a little to the side, and get to see her. After days of not seeing her, even seeing her from afar is a beautiful sight. She looks just so beautiful that at times I get jealous of myself. She is the most beautiful girl I have seen in my entire life.

I am grateful to the Oneness for her, being in my life and making my life so much more beautiful.